Schizoid Signs of Spring
Chocolate Ice cream on Austin's face !
Playing outside!!- in true Canadian style-
This year, it happened on the fourth day of March Break-- the continuous rewind of events--- events beginning God knows when, culminating on April 26-
It's replayed so many times in my mind,, but through the period beginning with March Break,, I relive those days--- the 200 mile ride to Lunenburg in mom's car---- feeling a sense of hope heading to the one available bed in the whole province -- for seven days--- trying to remember the conversation, what little of it there was, and remembering the last half-hearted hug---"I love you Chris"---- then the drive home alone, praying to God, to Pa, to anyone who would listen,,, please --- help---- then the phone call 5 days later---- he'd broken a rule and was being sent home early--- I didn't go get him-- I was too mad---
On the fourth day of March Break, the tape began to play again---- the count down begins --- and part of me was horrified that I could have gone four whole days into the break without remembering--- as much as it hurts to remember,,,,, forgetting is worse!!
posted by NanNan at 6:31 PM
8 Comments:
Spring brings such mixed emotions for both of us, it's hard to really enjoy the warming air, the longer days, the hints of green. I know about the rewind of events, for me it starts at what has become known to Eric, Jamie and I as "that last Christmas". We didn't know Max had cancer yet, but we knew something was terribly wrong. From there, I now replay ever landmark up until Tuesday, March 23, 7:30 pm. I even go beyond, into the next few weeks - the night I stood alone in my front yard, looking up at the stars, smelling spring in the air, and wondering how I was going to survive. My trip to Yarmouth at Easter is part of the rewind too. But anyway, I do know how that rewind can catch you and hold you right along to the enevitable end. Don't be horrified if you forget a landmark day; I'm pretty sure it's my own mind trying to hold the pain away, since I remember the day before and day after, but once in a while, it slips my mind on the day itself. It doesn't mean we've forgotten - that's just plain impossible. I love you, and will be thinking of you.
~Michelle
I love you too Mikki,,, I hear your every word with my heart. I know what you meant about not gardening-- I was working on a quilt in April 03,, can't even look at it now,,,or make lasagna, his last meal,,, or,or,or,--- but I am trying to grab hold of life, have started walking daily, and will be biking soon-- and always enjoying Lexy and Aussie---our lives go on,, and there is joy, mixed with chronic pain---- thanks!
Mom, I want to congradulate you on ... "forgetting" for the 1st four days of March Break. Although I think that "forgetting" is not the right word. "Moving on" might be more appropriate.
For me it starts with Easter as I was down the coast with with Bec's family for the long weekend, and then the night we got back home,I got a phone call from Jason adding hard proof that good news waits until noon, while bad news makes its presence known at the earliest possible moment.
But I don't dwell, because I know, as do you, that he is much better off now. I think it's positive that you're not re-living the build up (as much) because it only forces you to re-visit and live through misplaced guilt.
Chris will not be forgotten, and I know that he would rather you forget build up all together and remember the smiles, the love, the joy, the music, the laughter, the holidays, the looking down at his feet when you had him as a student, the days ang nights watching himplay baseball, and too numerous other things that I'm sure you can come up with.
But please donot feel bad about forgetting as horrible build up.
Love you Mom,
Mike
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I think that Mike said it right , its not forgetting , its moving on . It is coming toward that time , and i know that we all remember the day , the time and the place that we found out the horrible news - I know that i do . I also know that Chris would want us to remember the good times . He would not want you to feel guilty for anything , and would want you to smile and remember all of the good times that you shared together , i know that he knew that you were mad with him because you loved him , And I know that he loved you very much , and we all love you very much and are here if you need to talk :)
At last! A post from you!
How are ya, Nan? Been missing you a lot! =)
It isn't that we forget it's that our memory likes to take it's time in showing us things that we might rather forget.
Sometimes I wish I could forget what happened with Courtney, and thinking right now that her birthday is just around the corner....What kind of person would she be right now? The fact that we will never know, and as hard as it is remembering, if I forgot, I don't think I could handle that.
The Trials of Life are not meant to Make us bitter, they are meant to make us better, and I think that the remembering is what makes us better. In the end forgetting would just make us bitter.
Lots of Love to you,
Tam
Re Mikki's remark about the Last Christmas...that was the year that Dad came over too. Dad said he sure was glad he came.
Max was not well, but he took Dad and me on a drive one day and took us everywhere.
I remembered Max's birthday for the very first time in my life! And I remembered the 23rd as well.
But Spring has always been a good time for me....and I just can't deny that.
Mom died in April...Caitlyn was born in April.
I remember Feb 1..when Mikki called me with the news.
I remember the fear and the sorrow and the concern for my beloved daughter.
Yes, the pain is chronic..it will never go away...but it eases a little as we remember the good times. We must remember the good times.
I will see you this weekend, my beloved sister, and if you if you would like to talk, please feel free.
I love you Susie..
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