Imminent Eruption !!
Thr rumbling restarted yesterday---at school--a voice from within tried to warn me, but I had to ask X:
"So , what do you know about the arrest?"
"It was on the radio-- the police confiscated 75 thousand dollars, GUNS , and cocaine."
"What do you think will happen to him?"
"Probably not much, the rumour is, he's an informant"
"Was your community shocked?"
"No, everyone already knew."
"If everyone knew, why wasn't anything done about it---doesn't anybody care?"
"Yeah, but they're afraid of him---- why do you think I'm whispering?" he says, furtively looking around the staff room, as if HIS life could be in danger if any of our colleagues were to overhear this conversation.
"Has he ever hurt anyone?"
"He gets even with people who owe him money!!" My heart tightens, and it takes every bit of strength I can muster to keep from completely falling apart----- OH my God--- I had never thought it could have been that voice on the phone -- and I feel as if I'm going to burst wide open with the pain---- but I hold on until Frank picks me up----- and I cry, wail, sob, weep, moan,----
Flashback::: March, 2003--- Message on phone, "Hey, buddy, when are you going to return my to0ls?"
Number on display--- same one that's been on my phone bill , repeatedly every day, for the last few months---- just a friend, Chris said. (He's not handy, and never borrows tools)
April, 2003--'MOM, can you lend me four hundred dollars?"
No, I'm not paying for your drugs!!! Didn't ask why, should have known if he was desperate enough to ask, it must have been important-- I didn't want to KNOW--- I said NO !
April 25, 2003---- It's payday, MOM, should I pay my lawyer or THE FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS?
Pay, your lawyer, I reply--- he ususally, never listens to my advice anyway, and what do I know about organized crime--- NOTHING___ I didn't want to know------- so I told him to pay his lawyer!!!
April 26----- body dumped on lawn----- found out later he paid his lawyer earlier that day-------
I don't know what happened that night, that night I didn't even raise my head off the couch as he went out the door, and said good-bye, I don't know what he was wearing, the clothes were too bloody, ------ ---- and now I don't know how to forgive myself---- I know he forgives me, because that's the way he was, but how can a mother get over the torment of not knowing if her actions or inactions resulted in the death of her son---- The guilt is torture, and I don't know what to do with it----- So don't tell me I was a good mother, I know better, I was there, and the scenes keep rewinding and replaying over and over----- yelling at him, kicking him out, just wanting the PROBLEM to go away---- well, it did !!!
I guess I'm not asking how you can forgive yourself, because there is no absolution for this one, it's much too big a monster, the question is how to live with this beastly guilt -----
posted by NanNan at 6:46 PM
14 Comments:
Sue , you a good mother Through all the fights , and obsticles and everything that you and Chris went through - He loved you - with all his heart , he said that many times. He knew that you just had his best interests at heart and that you loved him with all of your heart .
About the drug bust .. I never heard about that , was it on the news ? Was it locally ?
I don't know any more info than what I have written--- he said it was on the radio--- thanks for your kind words--- do you think D had something to do with it? I'd like to shout out his name, carry placards, demonstrate, do something, but then I think about Austin and Lexy, and understand fear of reprisal--- how sad--- even the mountie said to me when I questioned why they weren't after him, "We live in the same community and we have families too!"
I feel so out of touch right now as I don't know who it is that got arrested you will have to get Mom to e-mail me the information...
Now, speaking as someone who has lived in your household at times you can trust me when I say that you are a good mother, and you are right he does forgive you, that is the way that he, I won't say was but rather is, because I know that he is still around, you have pictures that tell you that..he wants you to know that ven though what happened happened he is alright...How to live with the Monster of guilt and the unknown, you continue going, you can ask yourself all the what if's that you want to, but hte point is, things were dealt with at the time in the only way that you felt that you could respond, you can't put all the fault in to your pockets, it weighs you down, and you can't do that, deep down you know that, and he does too...
A parents love is unconditional at all times, just because you argue or are separated, or whatever crap there is going, you still love your child, and he loves you, always did just the way you did, no matter what happened, you still had that love, nd on some level you can still feel it.
While we are told that we shouldn't dwell on the unplesant things in life it is also important that we never lose those moments either, in away they shape us, and in the end we can emerge with a new strength, even i fyou can't see it.. you will someday.
Love you Lots Aunt Sue.
Tammie
*HUG* and again, *HUG*
Chris would be the first to tell you that he was, and still is, the captain of his own fate. You gave him all the tools he needed to make good decisions, he knew the difference between right and wrong, and while he looked to you for support and love (which you gave to him in abundance), ultimately, only he could choose his path. He knows that you love him with everything you are, and he loves you the same way. I really believe that where he is now, there is no such thing as blame or fault or guilt - only love. I know for sure that he is praying with everything he is that you will be able to heal.
A snippet from Sonnet LXXXIX (Pablo Neruda):
...
I want what I love to continue to live,
and you whom I love and sang above everything else
to continue to flourish, full-flowered:
so that you can reach everything my love directs you to,
so that my shadow can travel along in your hair,
so that everything can learn the reason for my song.
...
I love you.
the UNKNOWN... Something so untangible that causes so many physical stress and ailments...
It's the most frustrating, insanity-causing, infuriating thing to have hanging over us. I feel for you for this... Not saying I have ever been through the same UNKNOWN but at least to a small degree I have experienced other unknowns that have caused me sleepless nights, spinning thoughts through my head and that uneasy feeling that I SHOULD have done more...
What can quiet fears like that... well, psychiatrists prescribe drugs, alternative doctors prescribe meditation and yoga probably, and God hmmm... he just says he'll be there, he won't take it away (for reasons, I DON'T know), but he'll just be there with us through the UNKNOWN...
I also never heard anything about this arrest, but coincedences- call displays, etc.- maybe there's a connection, maybe there is none... But if there is a connection MAYBE this is part of the answer process... maybe eventually, some answers will come from this... maybe the UNKNOWN will come clear... And at the very least, this monster is now off the streets to stop the insanity and fear that he was causing in the lives of soooooo many people....
my heart is with you,
G.
Darling darling Nan,
To say that you could have done something about it and that your response would have prevented it from happening is perhaps a very very deeply pained mother’s way of wanting to control things… but it doesn’t work like that does it?
I am a strong believer in fate and that we each carve our own destiny and fate… others – people and circumstances, are just instruments that act as ready catalysts.
Nan, there is no way on earth or anywhere else that you could even dream of being less than a wonderful, perfect mum.
There are days when even my mum won’t talk to me… and at those times I’ve thought, what would she feel if I were to have an accident today? Would she feel sorry?
I know she would. I know she’d cry and blame herself for things that were beyond her control…
Darling Nan, please don’t do this to yourself.
Sending you the warmest biggest tightest hug. And a truckload of love.
Nan,
I really do not know the right words to tell you.
Maybe words are not needed in this case.
So here's a BIG GIANT HUG!!!
Mom, as a son, you have served us all well. I will speak on behalf of all your children... You have given us much more than you credit yourself with. I know you don't want to be told that you're a good mother etc... so I'll show you.
All of your children love you, and each other. All of your children know the difference between right and wrong. All of your children can recognize truth and justice. All of your children treat you, and others, (strangers included) with respect. All of your children are happy. You have raised good kids because you have always done what you felt was best.
Chris was a hard situation, and one where there is no "Dealing with serious addiction: A parent's guide for Dummies". You do what you think is right. If he hadn't paid his lawyer, nothing may have changed. You don't know. And unfortunately never will.
About forgiving you, there is no reason for you to be forgiven, so I don't believe Chris has forgiven you. Rather, he watches you help raise his child, (thanks Mandy as well for that, we will meet someday!), he smiles with you on your good days, and he prays for your healing on your bad days.
Nothing you did, or could have done could have changed anything. You did what you felt was right. And in hindsight, it was and is, still right.
O God! Refresh and gladden my spirit. Purify my heart. Illumine my powers. I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou are my Guide and my Refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being. O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life.
O God! Thou are more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord. - 'Abdu'l-Baha.
Memorize and recite once a day.
As a last thing.. When I reached over to get a prayer book to make sure the punctuation etc were right for the above prayer, not knowing what the loose paper was within my prayer book, it turned out to be the Service for Christopher Ryan Amon little paper that was given out at his funeral. And I smile because I'll take it as sign that you may need a nice prayer along with the love that is sent surrounding it.
All of your kids love you, and none of us want to see you so wracked with guilt when you have only done right.
I love you Mom. Post a smile on your next post and I'll do the same.
There are limits beyond which no parent can be expected to go, and to do so would be the wrong thing to do. To hand over the $400 would not have solved the problem but would just contribute to it and prolong it instead..It would be like trying to put a fire out by dousing it with gasoline. You are not to blame.
My dear Sister. I have been thinking of words that I could write, to some how make this time easier, there are none.
I have seen what all of this has done to you,and I wish I could take away all of this pain.
All I can say is I love you,and will always be her for you.
Your loving sister in-law Cheryl
Oh Sue....there's nothing I can say that hasn't already been said by all these loving people. Chris would not want you to torture yourself so. We all love you very very much...and know that you are the kindest most loving person that can be.
Chris knows how much you love him...he always did, and he always will. Don't let guilt over things you had no control of, take away from the joy of your children and grandchildren. Believe, in spite of what has happened, that you are truly blessed. You have no need to feel guilt...forgive yourself Sue, even though you have nothing to forgive yourself for (you think you do), but you don't.
I sincerely hope you find peace.....Chris is still with you and will always be.
Take care of yourself honey...we all love you very much.
Dearest Sue:
If any of us could take your pain away, we'd do it in a flash.
Surround yourself in the love shown in the responses and know that they all there for you.
CDR
Nannan,
I am so sorry about Chris.
May I say what a brave woman you are to express to your non-family readers your feelings of pain and guilt?
I wish you all the best; thinking and praying for your peace of mind. Your family and friends (including cyberfriends) love you!
This is powerful sue. You are powerful. Love is often mistaken for hugs and kind words. Real love is found in our ability to be honest with one another and to stand strong against danger. It is easy to see the logic in nature - mother bears will stand up and scream and fight anyone in their path. However when the danger lies within someone, we may forget that the same response is natural. And honest. And a true manifestation of love. When someone we love walks onto a busy highway, we do not silently sit by and ask them kindly to return.
Love is powerful in every respect. To deny ourselves the role love plays, in the face of danger or pain, is to deny the true power of love.
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