The Deluge
It's always close, an effort to contain,constrain, the raging waters----tonight the dam broke---- could feel the pressure mounting around the dinner table, close friends, safety, warmth, then the topic changed- held back hoping the subject of conversation would pass--- it didn't----- the floodgates broke open and let loose a mighty torrent--- of unresolved torment--- who in this town watched him die at the least, killed him at the most, who dumped his body as if it was garbage so easily disposed of---- did he suffer---- how long did it take---- did he call for help--- how did he die---- why did he die--- why didn't they care enough to find out--- why is it a closed case with so many whys and nobody pays----- not retribution, justice---- who did this--- could I bear knowing----- I can't let it go---- it's always so close, -----who has the answers---- how can it be the end- there was no middle--- he deserves something more than closed----- close, closed, closure-------and so it goes----- It's always so close! On the verge of a flood!
posted by NanNan at 9:29 PM
17 Comments:
the dam is so big!!!
Do you think it's a coincidence that my first comment was from thinking insane?? Made me laugh though--- now I'm wondering, is someone trying to tell me I'm insane--- or would that be paranoid thinking??????
There are so many questions , and no answers. I often think the same questions , the main ones being why who and how ? He does deserve something a lot more than closed. The thought of what might have happened is sometimes too much , sometimes I think its best that it is not known , other times I wonder how the person out there who does know can live with them selves , when so many people want to know. --- And .... You are not insane ! See you tomorrow :) Trying to catch up reading some blogs before bed . Tomorrow night - if the unpacking gets done I will post some pics !!!
Nannan-remember the prayer that I gave to you...reflect on it, and then ask yourself, what would he think right now...
Love you lots*big hugs*
Tammie
No, you are not insane, you are a mother. With unresolved questions. I don't understand it either. It seems to me that if this happened in the States, it would have been thoroughly investigated. We all love you and support you Sue, and anytime you want to let the Dam break...well just go ahead and do it...You have the right. Love you lots...Marsh
this is so ironical... I just mentioned the word dam too in a post. But... But I am not quite sure I follow. Big heartfelt hug though.
even when dams break...we're left picking up the pieces ourselves. I suppose. but I'm sure you don't need this from a 29 going on 30 year old! But faith is a beautiful thing. And from your words... I do realise that yours is very strong.
I'm thinking that someday - perhaps in the next life - those unanswered questions will be answered. They have weighed on my mind as well.
All my love - Fireguy
I read your new post before this one, so I wasn't 100% sure what it was about... Now it makes sense reading this one...
I heard in late June of 2003 about Chris. My cousin, Krissy, came up to Ottawa for an interview with the gov. and it was all really last minute, called on Thursday to ask if she could stay over on Friday evening. ON Saturday we went for a sightseeing walk and were sitting on a grassy hill overlooking the Rideau river at Mooney's Bay Beach. We hardly ever saw each other growing up so this was probably our most indepth conversation before or since.
We were talking about people from yarmouth that we had gone to school with and what they were up to. I asked if she knew anything about Chris (he always stayed in my mind and heart when I thought of home). that was when she said, "you didn't hear- his mom found him dead." She didn't share many details since she hadn't heard much. It was so shocking and upsetting... I always loved running into him back home...
I hadn't really heard anything since until running into Maryn. Questions are natural, you wonder about things and it hurts when there is no clear place to find those answers... Somewhere someone knows and I guess the only things you can hope for is that they will somehow stumble on you or someone else who can communicate your heart and desire to know... Maybe they will stumble on this blog, and hear the pain you are feeling... Maybe they will realize that any fear they may have in telling what they know cannot compare to the hole that it has left in your heart and the throbbing ache that it has left in your soul... Hopefully they will realize that the onnly medicine that can help your mind quiet is the knowledge that only they possess...
It must be hard to ever let go completely... hard but not impossible, but in the end, it remains up to you... I hope with all my heart someone will share with you those things at some point in your life, but I also trust that if they do not come in this life, they will come when all things are revealed in the next life... Let us be your support when the times become unbareable... I can tell from reading your blog comments that you are surrounded ALL AROUND the WORLD with people who care a great deal for you. People from the far north, for the far east, from the "bottom"(I know Mike might say the top, but you get the picture) and also people in your own home... We are here near and far for you... Your karass... We've got you covered and when your dam starts to leak we will help to fix the cracks and know that the water that does spill out will not be a waste I am confident it will surely help new life to grow and others to heal...
Yours always!
G.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
(It just posted twice so I deleted the second one in case you are curious about the deleted message...)
That was sooo nice G--- it makes me cry again, but different tears---of appreciation and gratitude, that you have come into my life---and my prayer now is that my path will cross with the "right" person who will open the door to justice and accountability--- I just don't know who to approach, and it has to be correct-- I'm in a holding pattern, circling the runway, just waiting for the green light to show me which runway to land on--- but I appreciate so much everyone's caring and support--- Thankfully, I did not find his body- he was dumped in a driveway in Beaver River, just outside of Yarmouth--- I say thankfully, because that would be a visual to painful to bear---- much love
I appreciate our relationship a lot... I love the fact that you have a spirit that drives you, and that you don't simply reject the spiritual reality of life. I am glad to hear that you hadn't found him I was always imagining how tremendously terrible a moment that would have been... Now you were spared that probably for a reason...
Maybe the reason that the rest of the answers have not come to you yet is because you are being spared from something too terrible to imagine. Maybe Chris is up there urging God to keep it from you, because he knows your heart and your future and knows the results that that knowledge might bring... I don;t know if that is true and maybe it is not what you would want to hear (sorry!) but just thought I would mention it in case... My battery is dying... more chat later... take care! And again all my love!
Sue, when Max died I always managed to say the wrong thing at the wrong time to Mikki. That is why I shy away from saying anything too profound. I simply cannot imagine the agony you are going through..but, I want you to know...I love you a lot, and I would give anything if in some way, you could find some peace. I should say 'we', because I feel the same way. To see your sorrow was such a revelation to me. Oh..well...I hope you know what I mean...
Lots of love..Your Sis..Marsh.
You are the only one who has ever called me Marsh..and now, it seems, I like it. :-)
It's funny you should mention that,G-how astute you are: In the days following his death, Frank had a vivid dream, an auditory dream--loud, clear, and strong, the words,"Do you really want to know? Do you really want to know? Do you really want to know?"
YOU may be right---- it may be more horrible than not knowing, so I think I will stay in that holding pattern, unless the runway is clearly marked, and the flight contol officer says all clear!!!
Thanks for not being afraid to say that--
And Tuffysmom, or Marsh, term of endearment, we were writing at the same time----- Don't be afraid of saying the wrong thing-- it's never wrong if it's what you feel--did you read my comment to you on tammies page?? much love to all
Yeah, what a great plan... You are very aware spiritually and I am SURE you will know when those runway lights are calling you into the runway...
Maybe there is still a little fog making a landing dangerous... Who knows!? Anyway, glad to be there for you!
G.
Just to update you - as soon as I get this baby sleeping at nights I will commit hard hours to finding those pictures of Chris and scanning them for you. It must make you CRAZY some days to wonder why and so many other questions you must have. Know that like Tam I believe in the wheel and I know in my heart that the wheel will turn on the bastards that hurt him and they will pay. Life and such will not let the crime go unpunished, regardless of what the police do. I love you.
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